During the 20 seconds in which I assess whether or not my students’ excuses for missing class merit “excused absence” status, I must harness my skills as physician, public prosecutor, anthropologist, sociologist, public defender, and truancy officer, of which I have no said skills. Presented before you, are my students’ excuses that I have collected this semester thus far. I have doubts about my ability to discern the difference between excused and unexcused absences. Please assist me in re-assessing these excuses via scientific means, by testing an excuse with ph strips and affixing onto the provided graph. Thank you.